ALANSAND'S LAUGH AND RELAX
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Are the old ones are the best???
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married .
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was Brilliant.
Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
"Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said "You are."
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it. !
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week..........and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin? "I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said,"Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me aVolkswagen with no driver.
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he wentT'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'BestBefore End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said"No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The blokesaid "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said,"You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember hisname, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put itdown.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising youanything."
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The ElephantMan?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow BatmanForever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"