A FEW QUICKIES

ALANSAND'S HUMOUR

Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand


I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com'rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you bastard !!

Why are women like clouds?
Eventually they go away nd it's a really nice day

Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

My wife,being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.

I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.


I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad minton.!!

- Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
The reply from his friend. 'You are so lucky!! Mine's still alive...!!

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; Bugger off, you won't bring it back.!!'