Jul 29, 2008



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A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harleymotorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc,want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $40,000 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,500,000) when
you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... 'Try doing it with the engine running. !!!!! 'So True!!!



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Friendship? ..among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her Husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything About it.

Friendship ..among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said He was still there.



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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied 'My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father of many.'
The boy said 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.'
The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.'

Jul 28, 2008



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A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of off-colour and 'dumb blonde' jokes, when a well-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you jerk! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being?"
"It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs."
"You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little b*****d on your knee."



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A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of off-colour and 'dumb blonde' jokes, when a well-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you jerk! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being?"
"It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs."
"You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little b*****d on your knee."



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An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand anda bottle of whisky in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.
'A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man'sfeet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled bothhammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslingerslowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.

'The lessons from this story are:1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people



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Home Depot For Women.

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting
for Walt the manager to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished with the costumer, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

And this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.



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..1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton..
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.
3. The dot over the letter 'I is called a 'tittle'.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top
.5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
.9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time (hence, multi-tasking was invented.)
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II weremade of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)
27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher..
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.
34.. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. 'Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail.'

Jul 26, 2008



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A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Buckshot.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little Buckshot says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little Buckshot replied,
'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

Little Buckshot returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father? '
The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies Buckshot.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'

Little Buckshot goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Buckshot says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Buckshot, that's a mouthful.'
Little Buckshot says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

Little Buckshot was sitting in class one day.All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, Buckshot that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little Buckshot, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but ifyou had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.
' She said, 'Excellent, Michael!'
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Buckshot.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

Little Buckshot was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.
' Little Buckshot replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?
'Little Buckshot answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.
Don't you love Little Buckshot !!!!

Jul 24, 2008

IN 1955............


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QUOTES FROM 1955 !!!!!!!!!!!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'

'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it.'

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.'

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.' 'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'

'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'

'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

Jul 23, 2008



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Five Riddles
1 A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

3 What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away ?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5 This is an unusual paragraph.
I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it.
It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it.
In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though.
Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.
Try to do so without any coaching!


Answers: 1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.



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One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket counter line at a train station.
The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket. 'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the Yankees.
'Watch and learn,' answered one of the boys from the South.
All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please.' The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
. That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked one of the perplexed Yankees.
'Watch and learn,' answered the three Southern boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.
The Southerner knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'
There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war.

Jul 21, 2008



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Do you have what it takes to be a Wal-Mart Greeter?
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children
you have there. Are they twins?'
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Heck no they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and
the other one's 7. Why the heck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the Greeter. 'I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice!!
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'!!!!



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After dying in a car crash, three friends go to heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question.
"When you are in your casket, andfriends and family are mourning over you, What would you like to hearthem say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would liketo hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and agreat family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that Iwas a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies,"I guess I'd like to hear them say, "Look, he's moving!"



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I saw a billboard sign that said:
Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

Jul 19, 2008



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One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on.
So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'
God thought for a moment and said,'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.
'So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time also.
When this angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased.!!!!
So he decided to email the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?No?Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either........



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Golf and Bees

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse And asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,'Then your stance is too wide.'



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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.
''Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.
'So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?''
I'm a hit man,' was the reply
.'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
'Here are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.'So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.
Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?''Sure, what do you want?''First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'
'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.
'The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.'
Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'


ALANSAND'S LAUGH, LEARN AND RELAX With THIS !!! www.website.ws/alansand !!!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.!

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.!

.3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else

.5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield .

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just get worse.20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night .

Jul 16, 2008


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Jul 15, 2008


LAUGH LEARN AND RELAX And www.website.ws/alansand Click NOW !!!

Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says:
"I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."


LAUGH LEARN AND RELAX And click on www.website.ws/alansand !!!


A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach in the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married. "
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***in blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.


LAUGH LEARN AND RELAX http://www.website.ws/alansand Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick
Of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska
As far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week
And gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and Quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks
On his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come.
About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out
Here I'm ready to meet Some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some Drinkin."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can
Drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
Gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there,
Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By
The way, what should I Wear?"

Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."!!!!


LAUGH LEARN AND RELAX AND HAVE FUN WITH www.website.ws/alansand !!!!

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water.
It got so bad that his camel died of thirst.
He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie.
BUT this was no ordinary genie.
This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzies."
Vell kid," said the genie, "you know how it voiks. You got three vishes.""
I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"
"Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a gonner anyvay!
"The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right.
"Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink."
** * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?""
My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
** * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems."
Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good vone!
"After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!"
** * * * * * * * P O O F * * * * *
*He was turned into a tampon.

If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.


LAUGH LEARN AND RELAX And click on www.website.ws/alansand

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished
to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that
Was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.


LAUGH LEARN AND RELAX www.website.ws/alansand

When I got home tonight night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.................

So I took her to the gas station !!!!!


LAUGH LEARN AND RELAX And www.website.ws/alansand to have fun AND make money.

While on vacation a married couple walked into a shoe Store.
The Salesman said to them, 'I have some very Special Jamaican sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.
'Well, the wife was really interested in buying the Sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
So, the Husband, after Some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the Wrong feet! You Got dem on the wrong feet!'


and click here to be even Happier !! www.website.ws/alansand

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question...
.WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
"HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?
"HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again.
"WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?
"HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?
"WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?
"HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do.
"WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she’d want her own.
"WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times.
"WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence -
-HUSBAND: "Shit."


LAUGH LEARN AND RELAX And www.website.ws/alansand

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day,
he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture
."Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better insurance."!!!


LAUGH LEARN AND RELAX Have you joined yet???? www.website.ws/alansand

Bubba Had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office, and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said: "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck.
Where do you want me to unload 'em??"


LAUGH LEARN AND RELAX And www.website.ws/alansand

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and findNorth America.
MARIA:Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discoveredAmerica?
CLASS: Maria. __
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD:Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherrytree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog. ___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher



The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the road side, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
:Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.
Little Rick was excited about the task, but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice,he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recitePsalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,
"The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant to of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified.
She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, " Gary , whatever made you do such a thing ?" Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, And He just then did!
:A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. "Yes sir,"the boy replied."And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime.
One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.
When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together.As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend,and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end,my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,"Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to," The boy replied."Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating,at our house.

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.


LAUGH LEARN AND RELAX I can still send e mails LOOK www.website.ws/alansand

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!


LAUGH LEARN AND RELAX I'm Glad I found This ... www.website.ws/alansand

1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose
.2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured
.9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
14. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!


LAUGH, LEARN AND RELAX with www.website.ws/alansand

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read: "Da End is Near! Turn You self Around Now! Before It's Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash...

Bourdeaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say 'Bridge Out'?'


Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
AND www.website.ws/alansand
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live

.Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'




www.website.ws/alansand >Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity,Foul Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

>Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

>Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

>Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

>Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

>Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

>Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current situation in Washington , DC !!!


www.website.ws/alansand Try it !!!
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "
No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged$5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour,the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerieand they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man."No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "South Dakota."
"Really!" she said. "I have family in South Dakota."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer


A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."



New rules for 2008 - and darn good ones! Join us on www.website.ws/alansand !!!
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad forclassmates.com<http://classmates.com/> ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule:: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, 'No, I don't want cash back', and pressing 'enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli'. The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're
not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those so-called athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show'.

New Rule: I don't need bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule :When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. '27 Months' 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'


www.website.ws/alansand NOW !!
OH CRAP . . . . .His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . .. you're NOT my flight instructor?'


MY mom locked me in a closet and said I couldn't come out until I made a pun.
I said, "O-pun the door."
Then I said all of these:
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.


> 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
> 2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.
> 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers
> 4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
> 5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
> 6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
> 7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
> 8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
> 9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in> the trap.
> 10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
> 11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
> 12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
> 13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
> 14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
> 15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
> 16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
> 17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

> 18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

> 19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

> 20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
> 21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

> 22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

> 23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

> 24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

> 25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

> 26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright> until you hear them speak.


The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look so the midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. 'Aha!' mumbled the doctor, as he put his finger under the right testicle. He asked the midget to cough again. 'Aha!' said the doctor once more. The doctor then reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side ... Then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midge t to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?' The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?'
The doctor replied 'I just cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.'

Jul 14, 2008


>This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.!
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Huntsman with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet .
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?" !!!!!!!


>A little voice came out of the box:...........>>>>>>>>>>>(WAIT FOR IT)...........>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I heard you the first time! I'm putting my F***ing shoes on!!!!


Are you a Martha or Maxine?
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.!!
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.!
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.
' If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Celery? Never heard of it!
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't !!!
.Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! 'All' your pains go away.!!!
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.!!
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!


www.website.ws/alansand Try it NOW !!!
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young female student nurse appears, to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, '...there's nothing wrong with them, Sir!
' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely... 'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'


Cheating Wife..
.A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous!
I lied when I told you I inherited money.He paid for the Corvette I bought for you .He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season New York Giant's tickets.He paid for our house at the lake.He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues."
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?The cabby replied; "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."


www.website.ws/alansand is ALSO a good cure !!!
This sounds like a good procedure to relieve the pain.
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn,specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital,and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition,but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'


Lesson One www.website.ws/alansand
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
............And before he could say ' fuck off' , the Rottweiler ate him’!


When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."!!!


A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be an American ....................and click on www.website.ws/alansand


Micky O'Brien goes into the confessional at St. Patrick's Church.
"Bless me father. It has been a month since my last confession. I've tipped down a few too many at Brownies on Friday and Saturday nites and I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week.
The priest, Father Finley, blesses him and requires him to say 6 "Our Fathers".
Next into the confessional is Tim O'Malley and he also has had a few too many at Brownies plus he admits cheating on his wife 3 times a week with Nookie Green.
Father says that this is very serious and demands he quit cheating on his wife. For his penance he has to say 25 "Hail Marys"
.Then comes Chauncey Donnelly into the confesional. He confesses to drinking too much at Brownies and not going to church regularily on Sundays.
The priest asks him if he has forgotten anything. "Oh yes father, I've had intercourse relations with Nookie Green since she moved into town a month ago."
The priest requires him to say 6 "Our Fathers" and to go t o church regularily on Sundays.
Come Sunday during the sermon, Father Finley looks over his parishoners and looks sternly at the men he admonished during confession. He lectures on being a good husband and not drinking too much. Suddenly the back doors to the church open up and a stunning redhead in a very short green dress with a low cut V-neck and green shoes enters and slowly walks to the front of the church and sits down.
All of the men watch her closely. Her dress slides up to her thighs and her legs are slightly apart. Father Finley and the alter boys are agog. Father asks the alter boy Michael in front of him if the woman is Nookie Green. Michael replies, " I don't think so father, I think it is just the reflection off her shoes".


Little Mary Margaret was not the best student inCatholicSchool.
Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
.'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back sleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'!!!!!!!!
The nun fainted...........


Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says, 'If you keep on behaving like this, you'll lose ALL your friends'
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, 'Send me a brother.' Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'
What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
What's the difference between stress, tension, and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant. Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant. Panic is when both are pregnant.
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period? Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one, and my mom fainted, dad had a hear t attack, our neighbor ran away.

A woman asks man who is traveling with six children, 'Are all these kids yours??' The man replies sarcastically, 'No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints.'
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the
difference between confident and confidential?' Dad says, 'You are my son. I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son. That's confidential!


Before you read this,Click on www.website.ws/alansand Then proceed.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But , A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
(Written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.- Kristen, age 10
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.-- Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.-- Lori, age 8
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.-- Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.-- Martin, age 10
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.-- Craig, age 9
When they're rich.-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.-- Ricky, age 10 www.website.ws/alansand It's easy !!!


The following will probably amaze and startle you...
One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger ! pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University study.
Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or
Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day? (No kidding, all of the above is true...)
Clicking on www.website.ws/alansand will also relieve you of financial worries .......


TEN BEST CADDY REPLIES With permission of www.website.ws/alansand
# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now." !!!
# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually." !!!
# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence." !!!!
# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." !!!!!
# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf." !!!!
# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day." !!!!!
# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." !!!!!
# 1 Best Caddy Comment..... Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir !!!!!!!


1. Sag, you're It. www.website.ws/alansand
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend:
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
But Most Of All, Remember! A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!


CLICK ON www.website.ws/alansand


A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.
" Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!True story... Have a great day and remember... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.


Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us. Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...................................You'll like this .. NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!


An English professor wrote the words
'A woman without her man is nothing'
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
' A woman, without her man, is nothing.'

All the females in the class wrote:
' A woman: without her, man is nothing.'
Punctuation is powerful.!!!