Oct 25, 2008


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This will Mess With Your Head.



Oct 20, 2008


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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch.
She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified.
She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants,
she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.
But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.
The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened .
.The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch?
Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down

The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly

Oct 1, 2008


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Subject: FW: Irish catholic humour Box Donation
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.
' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'


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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mom, you still awake?'

Sep 21, 2008


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He said .... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said ... You wear pants don't you?

He said .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea -- you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said .. Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room ... 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it . ' I do not'

Q . How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q.. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A.. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Man says to God: 'God, why did you make woman so beautiful?'
God says: 'So you would love her.'
'But God,' the man says , 'why did you make her so dumb?
' God says: 'So she would love you.'


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Three Men on a Hike
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! .... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'
Poof! ...... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'
Poof! ...... He was turned into a woman.
She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team' s bench .
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience .
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, ' especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents !
Dumbfounded, her date asked , ' What do you mean?
'' Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screa ming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!
' I'm like. . . Helloooooo ooooo ooo? It's only 25 freaking cents ! !!!!!

Sep 20, 2008


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George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

'Hello, Mr. Bush!' a heavily accented voice said, 'This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!'
'Well, Gurmukh,' Bush replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbor Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight'
Bush paused. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Arrey O! Main kya..' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to ring you back!'
Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.'Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh' Bush asked.
'Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor.
'Bush sighed. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.'

'Oh teri....' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.
'Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!'
Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!'

'Tera pala hove....' said Gurmuk, 'I'll have to ring you back.
'Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.'Kiddan, Mr.Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Bush. 'Why the sudden change of heart'
'Well,' said Gurmukh, 'we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war!'



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The 5 Answers

A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

Thought for the day:
What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
Answer: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.


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The Aisle Seat.
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London .
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ' That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors..... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?'
Semper Fi

Sep 19, 2008


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Quote for the day:
"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So... if you give her crap, you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle."

Sep 16, 2008


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Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey.
The next day he drove up and said, sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.
Chuck replied,'Well, then just give me my money back.
'The farmer said,'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said,'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked,'What ya gonna do with him?Chuck said,'I'm going to raffle him off.
'The farmer said,You can't raffle off a dead donkey!
'Chuck said,'Sure I can Watch me... I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said,'I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.
'The farmer said,'Didn't anyone complain?'Chuck said,'Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his two dollars back.' !!
Chuck now works for the government.


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This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! Be sure you read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!=================================

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support:Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and..
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dammit!

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

Customer: My keyboard i s not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer:'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That bring s up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
'Customer:I don't have a P.Tech support:
On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.


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Making a baby.
This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later a baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.
Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me !
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look !
Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh Yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' !
Mrs. Smith fainted!!!!!

Sep 14, 2008


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Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute,

really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,

I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,

you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.

He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

'The bastard had all quarters!'Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety

before agreeing to it and getting screwed.


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The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde Cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you dressed like this?'
The Cowboy says: 'Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants .. So I Did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... ' And here I am.' ......

Sep 11, 2008


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Grandpa had a ritual he looked forward to every Sunday morning. He would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time - Just he and his little granddaughter.
On one particular Sunday, however, he had a very bad cold and didn't feel like getting out of bed at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
Upon their return, the little girl anxiously ran up stairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
'Oh, yes, Grandpa,' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see one dumb bastard or stupid shithead anywhere we went today!'
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?


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Q:How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman's Answer: One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb!
They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!
They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And,once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!
What was the question?


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Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on:
neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow.
Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

Sep 10, 2008


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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his Doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day. Repeat this schedule for 2 weeks and when you return, you will have lost at least 3 kilos.'
Two weeks later the Irishman returns and the Doctor is shocked to see he's lost 25 kilos.
'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor 'Did this happen by just following my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From hunger, you mean?'
'No, from all dat fockin' skippin!


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Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weight-lifting commentator: This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.

2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.

8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

9. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?

Sep 9, 2008

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road andslowly the other driver got out of his car.You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things justseem funny?Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply forSocial Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my SocialSecurity application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability, too
'And then the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
''My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.... ..


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I dialed a number and got the following recording:
'I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep.
If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes.'

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'


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A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and then rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Sep 6, 2008



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Scenario: You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on. You know, the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal- Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and i t says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what the hell it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think you heard someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

Sep 3, 2008



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Baptising an Irishman
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?
'The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?
'The drunk again answers, 'No,oi haven't found Jesus.
'By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

(Are you ready for this????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'



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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said,
"Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Aug 31, 2008



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An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family." No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.



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A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde Genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful Women.
After he makes love to all of them he begins to explore this fabulous house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 Bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons Dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits, hoods and all.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the
neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away they remove their hoods and it's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful Women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!'

Aug 30, 2008



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Important Historical Bit
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships.
But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem.
The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey.
But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.
The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you?
You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few unsuspecting friends.



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A father walks into a restaurant with his
young son.
He gives the young boy 3 Pounds to play with to
keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going
blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pounds and starts slapping him on the back. The boy
coughs up 2 of the pounds, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a
coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
you a doctor?

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'.

Aug 29, 2008



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Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging insome S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink,the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice,black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said , "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a longscented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

Aug 27, 2008



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Man goes to newspaper office to put an item in the obituary column he asks how much will it cost..?
The man says $5.00 for 3 words..
The man says I only have $5.00.. so put "Margaret is dead"
Man at newspaper feels sorry for him and says you can have 3 more words for free, so the man says ok! ...
"Margaret is dead, .. party is tonight !!

Aug 26, 2008



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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit thebuilding!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are extremelyGood Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love20Kids, are Drop-deadGood Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!
'Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor .. 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.!
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Aug 25, 2008



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This was sent me by a good friend and student:

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, see which one is really happy to see you!



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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate, so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.

Aug 23, 2008



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Sunday Morning Sex
I will never hear church bells ringing again without Smiling..
.Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning'
.Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.'
Oh no, my dear,' replied Granny.
'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
'It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn 't come along.'



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I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com'rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you bastard !!

Why are women like clouds?
Eventually they go away nd it's a really nice day

Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

My wife,being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.

I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad minton.!!

- Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
The reply from his friend. 'You are so lucky!! Mine's still alive...!!

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; Bugger off, you won't bring it back.!!'



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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.
''Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without... Send extra sauce.'



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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came
addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He
thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had
until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had
invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only
hope. Can you please help me?



The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the
workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be
able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the
same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened.
It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had
a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those
bastards at the post office.

Aug 20, 2008



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An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.. 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....
'The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am tryingto establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*ck would you have said?

Aug 18, 2008



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A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, acre and half with nice home.
No, I mean what is the foundation?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand.Do either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger ?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.. She buy a bottle at Drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom..
What does the label on the bottle say?

I can read. It say: Polish Remover".

Aug 17, 2008



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The Stolen Car
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, 'Can I help you Sir?
''Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.
The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?
''It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's dick hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?
'Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....'Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!



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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy Dats dem..'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'


Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'



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A 5 year old's first job.
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied,'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.
''Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?

'The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock. !!
'Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?



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A chicken farmer went to a local bar... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says - "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence" - the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" -says the woman.
"What a coincidence" - says the man.
As they clinked glasses the farmer asked -"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for a long time, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence" - says the man... "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" - says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock" - he replied.

The woman smiled and said -"What a coincidence..."

Aug 15, 2008



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Ole met a beautiful blonde lady named Lena and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in the jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
Lena said,' That was incredible!'
Ole replied, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
Then Lena got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.
Ole said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No.' she said, 'I was a hooker in Thief River Falls, Minnesota and worked both sides of the river.'


QUOTE : Politicions are like nappies/diapers !! They need changing often..For the same reason.....

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Aug 11, 2008



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This will give you pause...
How many zeros in a billion?
This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spendingYOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of it's releases.
.A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
.A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
.A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
.A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
.A billion dollars ago was only8 hours and 20 minutes,at the rate our governmentis spending it.While this thought is still fresh in our brain...let's take a look at New Orleans ...It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator,Mary Landrieu (D)is presently asking Congress for250 BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans .
Interesting number...what does it mean?
A.Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans(every man, woman, and child)you each get $516,528.B.Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787. C.Or... if you are a family of four...your family gets $2,066,012.Washington, D. C
HELLO! Are all your calculators broken??
Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)!
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fe e Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Su rcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt...We had the largest middle class in the world...and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!' I hope this goes around the USAat least 100 times What the heck happened?????



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A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.
..Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.'
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....


Aug 9, 2008



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Baby Airplanes
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago .
The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to go askthe stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'Did your Mom tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'yes she did.'
'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Have your Mom explain that to you.'

Aug 8, 2008



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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 P.M.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV, the 10:00 p.m.. news was coming on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.
'The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.
'Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5:00 P.M. news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again. 'Bob took the money.!!!!!

Aug 6, 2008



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A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
' Well actually, yes, I do.', she exclaimed..
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.'
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified....'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?''
'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from'?

Aug 3, 2008



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An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
I can cut them for you ' said the chemist but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.
' I am 96 ' said the old man . I don't want an erection .
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers. '



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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore andannounces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely, she is after all, is over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted......



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This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!! POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life !!!
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. !! Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule, and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility . POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you . PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; This job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do...
Or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND A FOOTNOTE - THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!

Aug 2, 2008



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derby county, Recent recordholders, as the worst premiership football team ever, and now ready to slump even further into div. 1. As this is a page of jokes, I had to include derby,known as the sheep I think, whilst their near neighbours, the former double European cup winners NOTTINGHAM FOREST are going from strength to strength and preparing for another promotion!!!!



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The 11th Husband....
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.
'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'
'Well, husband # 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
'Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
'Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.
' But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'. 'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT'.. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.'



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A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employees home phone number and was greeted with a Child's' whisper
"Hello "Is your daddy home ?" he asked
"Yes" whispered the small voice "
May I talk with him?"
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No"
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes, whispered the boy, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child
"Busy doing what?"
Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman", came the answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter, through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked , "What's that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?!!."
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle "ME".



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The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term test. The answer by one student was so ' profound ' , that the professor shared it with his colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ' It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, ' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct....................leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ' Oh my God , I'm coming . '


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I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.' ! !
And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car. ! ! !



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8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday.
8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants open
presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10.00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer.
10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12.45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17kg.
1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3.00 Nap.
4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret
4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle
hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full
length mirror.
7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/dancers.
10.00 Hot shower (alone).
10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).
11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

…..6.00 Alarm.
6.15 Blow job.
6.30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section.
7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by
naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7.30 Limo arrives.
7.45 Several Beers en-route to airport.
9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9.30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route).
9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.
11.45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12.15 Blow job.
12.30 Play back nine - 4 under.
2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Rumbos).
2.30 Fly to Cairns.
3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who
also bend over a lot displaying growlers.
4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.
5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Imogen Bailey (bending over)
6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave.
7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; cannabis legalised.
7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet
steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you
watch the World Cup, England win.
9.30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies... some bending over).
11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale.
11.30 A night cap blow job.
11.45 In bed alone.
11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11.51 Laugh yourself to sleep