Aug 31, 2008



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An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family." No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.



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A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde Genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful Women.
After he makes love to all of them he begins to explore this fabulous house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 Bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons Dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits, hoods and all.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the
neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away they remove their hoods and it's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful Women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!'

Aug 30, 2008



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Important Historical Bit
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships.
But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem.
The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey.
But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.
The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you?
You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few unsuspecting friends.



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A father walks into a restaurant with his
young son.
He gives the young boy 3 Pounds to play with to
keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going
blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pounds and starts slapping him on the back. The boy
coughs up 2 of the pounds, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a
coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
you a doctor?

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'.

Aug 29, 2008



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Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging insome S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink,the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice,black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said , "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a longscented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

Aug 27, 2008



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Man goes to newspaper office to put an item in the obituary column he asks how much will it cost..?
The man says $5.00 for 3 words..
The man says I only have $5.00.. so put "Margaret is dead"
Man at newspaper feels sorry for him and says you can have 3 more words for free, so the man says ok! ...
"Margaret is dead, .. party is tonight !!

Aug 26, 2008



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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit thebuilding!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are extremelyGood Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love20Kids, are Drop-deadGood Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!
'Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor .. 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.!
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Aug 25, 2008



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This was sent me by a good friend and student:

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, see which one is really happy to see you!



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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate, so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.

Aug 23, 2008



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Sunday Morning Sex
I will never hear church bells ringing again without Smiling..
.Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning'
.Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.'
Oh no, my dear,' replied Granny.
'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
'It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn 't come along.'



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I keep having my profile on that dating website ''rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you bastard !!

Why are women like clouds?
Eventually they go away nd it's a really nice day

Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

My wife,being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.

I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad minton.!!

- Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
The reply from his friend. 'You are so lucky!! Mine's still alive...!!

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; Bugger off, you won't bring it back.!!'



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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.
''Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without... Send extra sauce.'



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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came
addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He
thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had
until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had
invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only
hope. Can you please help me?



The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the
workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be
able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the
same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened.
It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had
a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those
bastards at the post office.

Aug 20, 2008



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An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.. 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....
'The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am tryingto establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*ck would you have said?

Aug 18, 2008



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A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, acre and half with nice home.
No, I mean what is the foundation?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand.Do either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger ?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.. She buy a bottle at Drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom..
What does the label on the bottle say?

I can read. It say: Polish Remover".

Aug 17, 2008



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The Stolen Car
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, 'Can I help you Sir?
''Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.
The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?
''It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's dick hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?
'Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....'Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!



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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy Dats dem..'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'


Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'



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A 5 year old's first job.
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied,'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.
''Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?

'The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock. !!
'Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?



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A chicken farmer went to a local bar... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says - "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence" - the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" -says the woman.
"What a coincidence" - says the man.
As they clinked glasses the farmer asked -"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for a long time, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence" - says the man... "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" - says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock" - he replied.

The woman smiled and said -"What a coincidence..."

Aug 15, 2008



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Ole met a beautiful blonde lady named Lena and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in the jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
Lena said,' That was incredible!'
Ole replied, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
Then Lena got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.
Ole said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No.' she said, 'I was a hooker in Thief River Falls, Minnesota and worked both sides of the river.'


QUOTE : Politicions are like nappies/diapers !! They need changing often..For the same reason.....

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Aug 11, 2008



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This will give you pause...
How many zeros in a billion?
This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spendingYOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of it's releases.
.A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
.A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
.A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
.A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
.A billion dollars ago was only8 hours and 20 minutes,at the rate our governmentis spending it.While this thought is still fresh in our brain...let's take a look at New Orleans ...It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator,Mary Landrieu (D)is presently asking Congress for250 BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans .
Interesting number...what does it mean?
A.Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans(every man, woman, and child)you each get $516,528.B.Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787. C.Or... if you are a family of four...your family gets $2,066,012.Washington, D. C
HELLO! Are all your calculators broken??
Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)!
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fe e Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Su rcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt...We had the largest middle class in the world...and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!' I hope this goes around the USAat least 100 times What the heck happened?????



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A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.
..Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.'
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....


Aug 9, 2008



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Baby Airplanes
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago .
The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to go askthe stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'Did your Mom tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'yes she did.'
'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Have your Mom explain that to you.'

Aug 8, 2008



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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 P.M.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV, the 10:00 p.m.. news was coming on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.
'The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.
'Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5:00 P.M. news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again. 'Bob took the money.!!!!!

Aug 6, 2008



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A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
' Well actually, yes, I do.', she exclaimed..
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.'
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified....'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?''
'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from'?

Aug 3, 2008



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An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
I can cut them for you ' said the chemist but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.
' I am 96 ' said the old man . I don't want an erection .
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers. '



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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore andannounces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely, she is after all, is over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted......



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This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!! POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life !!!
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. !! Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule, and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility . POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you . PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; This job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do...
Or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND A FOOTNOTE - THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!

Aug 2, 2008



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derby county, Recent recordholders, as the worst premiership football team ever, and now ready to slump even further into div. 1. As this is a page of jokes, I had to include derby,known as the sheep I think, whilst their near neighbours, the former double European cup winners NOTTINGHAM FOREST are going from strength to strength and preparing for another promotion!!!!



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The 11th Husband....
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.
'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'
'Well, husband # 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
'Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
'Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.
' But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'. 'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT'.. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.'



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A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employees home phone number and was greeted with a Child's' whisper
"Hello "Is your daddy home ?" he asked
"Yes" whispered the small voice "
May I talk with him?"
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No"
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes, whispered the boy, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child
"Busy doing what?"
Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman", came the answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter, through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked , "What's that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?!!."
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle "ME".



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The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term test. The answer by one student was so ' profound ' , that the professor shared it with his colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ' It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, ' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct....................leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ' Oh my God , I'm coming . '


Think you know your TV, music and film? Try Search Charades!
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I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.' ! !
And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car. ! ! !



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8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday.
8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants open
presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10.00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer.
10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12.45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17kg.
1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3.00 Nap.
4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret
4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle
hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full
length mirror.
7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/dancers.
10.00 Hot shower (alone).
10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).
11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

…..6.00 Alarm.
6.15 Blow job.
6.30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section.
7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by
naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7.30 Limo arrives.
7.45 Several Beers en-route to airport.
9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9.30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route).
9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.
11.45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12.15 Blow job.
12.30 Play back nine - 4 under.
2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Rumbos).
2.30 Fly to Cairns.
3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who
also bend over a lot displaying growlers.
4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.
5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Imogen Bailey (bending over)
6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave.
7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; cannabis legalised.
7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet
steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you
watch the World Cup, England win.
9.30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies... some bending over).
11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale.
11.30 A night cap blow job.
11.45 In bed alone.
11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11.51 Laugh yourself to sleep



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Eighth Place:
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate while trying to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker -- who often bragged he was 'totally-zoned when he ran' -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily workout.
Sixth Place :
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital.
Fifth Place :
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place :
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four cartridges into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place :
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt.
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to create some excitement.
Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and tied the other to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
...Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of a animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the beast suddenly unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that once again proves.............'Shit happens!'



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Teacher in English lessons asked the kids to form a sentance with the word contagious in it.
Little Mary went first " my little brother has measles and mummy says it's contagious so I can't play with him". "
Very good " says teacher.
This went all around the classroom till little Paddy got his turn. "Moi father said he saw the neighbour trying to paint his house with a 3" paintbrush and told my mum it would take the contagious" !



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She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said
'" you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

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Don't forget to click on This is also VERY Useful ! !

There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival.
Check out the things that you can do with it
: FIRST Emergency
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialled even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.

SECOND Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone:
If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone.
Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock.Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object.
You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other 'remote' for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk). Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone!'

THIRD Hidden Battery Power
Imagine your mobile battery is very low.
To activate, press the keys *3370# Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.

FOURTH How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?
To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 # A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset.
Write it down and keep it somewhere safe.
When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code.
They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.
You probably won't get your phone back,but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either.
If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends

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A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...


A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.



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Are the old ones are the best???

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married .
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
"Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said "You are."

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it. !

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy the hash key..."

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week..........and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin? "I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said,"Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me aVolkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he wentT'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'BestBefore End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said"No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The blokesaid "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said,"You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember hisname, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put itdown.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising youanything."

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The ElephantMan?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow BatmanForever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"



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A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.


Click here first to change your life...Yes Really.

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods
.She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you threewishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed tomention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!
'The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'
.The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.
'So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.
'The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.
'So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mildheart attack.
'Moral of the story:
Women are clever. Don't mess with them
.Attention female readers :
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers :
Please scroll down....................................................The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story :
Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show thatwomen never listen run along and put the kettle on, there's a love....

Aug 1, 2008



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Someone out there is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)! DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:WOMAN HITLER Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS !!



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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here'.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.
'Boy - 'I have a football.
'Man - 'That's nice.
'Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?
'Boy - '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.
'Boy - 'I have football boots.
'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?
'The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $1,000.'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'.

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!



Don't forget to click on You'll be glad you did !!

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . . .POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said,'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!
Then POOF! . . . she was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,'Fred, where are you?' Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,DON'T SWING!!!'



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A stunning senior moment
Apparently a self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones , computers with light-speed processing and more.'

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows: 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little snot, what are you doing for the next generation?'

The applause was amazing.......



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A girl asks her boy friend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no ideayour father was a pharmacist.'