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He said .... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said ... You wear pants don't you?
He said .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea -- you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said .. Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room ... 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it . ' I do not'
Q . How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q.. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A.. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Man says to God: 'God, why did you make woman so beautiful?'
God says: 'So you would love her.'
'But God,' the man says , 'why did you make her so dumb?
' God says: 'So she would love you.'
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT
Sep 21, 2008
THREE MEN
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Three Men on a Hike
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! .... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'
Poof! ...... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'
Poof! ...... He was turned into a woman.
She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
Three Men on a Hike
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! .... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'
Poof! ...... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'
Poof! ...... He was turned into a woman.
She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
AMERICAN FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team' s bench .
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience .
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, ' especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents !
Dumbfounded, her date asked , ' What do you mean?
'' Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screa ming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!
' I'm like. . . Helloooooo ooooo ooo? It's only 25 freaking cents ! !!!!!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team' s bench .
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience .
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, ' especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents !
Dumbfounded, her date asked , ' What do you mean?
'' Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screa ming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!
' I'm like. . . Helloooooo ooooo ooo? It's only 25 freaking cents ! !!!!!
Sep 20, 2008
PUNJABI CONFIDENCE
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George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
'Hello, Mr. Bush!' a heavily accented voice said, 'This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!'
'Well, Gurmukh,' Bush replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbor Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight'
Bush paused. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Arrey O! Main kya..' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to ring you back!'
Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.'Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh' Bush asked.
'Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor.
'Bush sighed. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.'
'Oh teri....' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.
'Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!'
Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!'
'Tera pala hove....' said Gurmuk, 'I'll have to ring you back.
'Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.'Kiddan, Mr.Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Bush. 'Why the sudden change of heart'
'Well,' said Gurmukh, 'we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war!'
NOW THAT'S CALLED PUNJABI CONFIDENCE
George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
'Hello, Mr. Bush!' a heavily accented voice said, 'This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!'
'Well, Gurmukh,' Bush replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbor Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight'
Bush paused. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Arrey O! Main kya..' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to ring you back!'
Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.'Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh' Bush asked.
'Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor.
'Bush sighed. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.'
'Oh teri....' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.
'Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!'
Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!'
'Tera pala hove....' said Gurmuk, 'I'll have to ring you back.
'Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.'Kiddan, Mr.Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Bush. 'Why the sudden change of heart'
'Well,' said Gurmukh, 'we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war!'
NOW THAT'S CALLED PUNJABI CONFIDENCE
THE ANSWERS
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The 5 Answers
FINALLY, THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Thought for the day:
What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
Answer: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
The 5 Answers
FINALLY, THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Thought for the day:
What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
Answer: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
THE AISLE SEAT
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The Aisle Seat.
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London .
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ' That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors..... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES...
Semper Fi
The Aisle Seat.
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London .
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ' That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors..... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES...
Semper Fi
Sep 19, 2008
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
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Quote for the day:
"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So... if you give her crap, you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle."
Quote for the day:
"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So... if you give her crap, you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle."
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