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A widowed Jewish woman, still looking good in her mid-fifties, was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers, Florida .
She looked up and noticed that a gentleman her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers, made himself comfortable, and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book."
I'm sorry to hear that you lost your wife. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely" she countered."Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, She persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Jul 14, 2008
YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY!
www.website.ws/alansand This is Easy !!!
YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY ????
Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce . !
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic comefor election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP .
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes! out we say it is clearing
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so......... Time to shut
Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY ????
Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce . !
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic comefor election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP .
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes! out we say it is clearing
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so......... Time to shut
Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
OLD PEOPLES PROBLEMS
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Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ' Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained. 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor????'
The old man replied, 'Yep, and none of us could get the jar open.'
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ' Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained. 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor????'
The old man replied, 'Yep, and none of us could get the jar open.'
ADVICE
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Dear Abby The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV.
I hadn't gone more than a mile when my engine conked out and the car shuttered to a halt.
I walked back home, only to find my husband making love to the our neighbour.
He was let go from his job 6 months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but I don't know if I can trust him anymore.
What should I do?????
Dear Frustrated A car stalling can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Check that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold, or it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps. YOURS ABBY
Dear Abby The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV.
I hadn't gone more than a mile when my engine conked out and the car shuttered to a halt.
I walked back home, only to find my husband making love to the our neighbour.
He was let go from his job 6 months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but I don't know if I can trust him anymore.
What should I do?????
Dear Frustrated A car stalling can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Check that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold, or it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps. YOURS ABBY
LEGS
www.website.ws/alansand
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by
herself
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread.!!!!
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by
herself
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread.!!!!
158 YEARS AGO
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Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?
1. California became a state.
2. The state had no electricity.
3. The state had no money.
4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
5. There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands. !!!!!!!!
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?
1. California became a state.
2. The state had no electricity.
3. The state had no money.
4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
5. There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands. !!!!!!!!
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