ALANSAND'S LAUGH AND RELAX
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THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday.
8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants open
presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10.00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer.
10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12.45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17kg.
1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3.00 Nap.
4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret
admirer.
4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle
hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full
length mirror.
7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/dancers.
10.00 Hot shower (alone).
10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).
11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
…..6.00 Alarm.
6.15 Blow job.
6.30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section.
7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by
naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7.30 Limo arrives.
7.45 Several Beers en-route to airport.
9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9.30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route).
9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.
11.45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12.15 Blow job.
12.30 Play back nine - 4 under.
2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Rumbos).
2.30 Fly to Cairns.
3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who
also bend over a lot displaying growlers.
4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.
5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Imogen Bailey (bending over)
6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave.
7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; cannabis legalised.
7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet
steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you
watch the World Cup, England win.
9.30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies... some bending over).
11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale.
11.30 A night cap blow job.
11.45 In bed alone.
11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11.51 Laugh yourself to sleep
Aug 2, 2008
STUPID WAYS TO DIE
ALANSAND'S LAUGH AND RELAX
Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand
DARWIN AWARDS THINNING THE HERD' 2007
Eighth Place:
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate while trying to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker -- who often bragged he was 'totally-zoned when he ran' -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily workout.
Sixth Place :
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital.
Fifth Place :
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place :
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four cartridges into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place :
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to create some excitement.
Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP:
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and tied the other to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE 2007 WINNER IS
...Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of a animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the beast suddenly unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that once again proves.............'Shit happens!'
Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand
DARWIN AWARDS THINNING THE HERD' 2007
Eighth Place:
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate while trying to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker -- who often bragged he was 'totally-zoned when he ran' -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily workout.
Sixth Place :
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital.
Fifth Place :
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place :
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four cartridges into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place :
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to create some excitement.
Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP:
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and tied the other to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE 2007 WINNER IS
...Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of a animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the beast suddenly unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that once again proves.............'Shit happens!'
LITTLE PADDY
ALANSAND'S LAUGH AND RELAX
Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand
Teacher in English lessons asked the kids to form a sentance with the word contagious in it.
Little Mary went first " my little brother has measles and mummy says it's contagious so I can't play with him". "
Very good " says teacher.
This went all around the classroom till little Paddy got his turn. "Moi father said he saw the neighbour trying to paint his house with a 3" paintbrush and told my mum it would take the contagious" !
Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand
Teacher in English lessons asked the kids to form a sentance with the word contagious in it.
Little Mary went first " my little brother has measles and mummy says it's contagious so I can't play with him". "
Very good " says teacher.
This went all around the classroom till little Paddy got his turn. "Moi father said he saw the neighbour trying to paint his house with a 3" paintbrush and told my mum it would take the contagious" !
UPSET WIFE >>>>
ALANSAND'S LAUGH AND RELAX
Don't forget to click on http://www.website.ws/alansand
UPSET WIFE - EXCELLENT !
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said
'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG.Version: 7.5.519 / Virus Database: 269.22.3/1354 - Release Date: 01/04/2008 05:38
Don't forget to click on http://www.website.ws/alansand
UPSET WIFE - EXCELLENT !
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said
'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG.Version: 7.5.519 / Virus Database: 269.22.3/1354 - Release Date: 01/04/2008 05:38
USEFUL INFO. FOR YOUR MOBILE
ALANSAND'S LAUGH AND RELAX
Don't forget to click on http://www.website.ws/alansand This is also VERY Useful ! !
FOUR THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW YOUR MOBILE PHONE COULD DO.
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival.
Check out the things that you can do with it
: FIRST Emergency
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialled even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.
SECOND Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone:
If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone.
Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock.Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object.
You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other 'remote' for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk). Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone!'
THIRD Hidden Battery Power
Imagine your mobile battery is very low.
To activate, press the keys *3370# Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.
FOURTH How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?
To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 # A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset.
Write it down and keep it somewhere safe.
When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code.
They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.
You probably won't get your phone back,but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either.
If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends
No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG.Version: 7.5.519 / Virus Database: 269.22.8/1363 - Release Date: 07/04/2008 08:56
No virus found in
Don't forget to click on http://www.website.ws/alansand This is also VERY Useful ! !
FOUR THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW YOUR MOBILE PHONE COULD DO.
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival.
Check out the things that you can do with it
: FIRST Emergency
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialled even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.
SECOND Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone:
If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone.
Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock.Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object.
You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other 'remote' for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk). Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone!'
THIRD Hidden Battery Power
Imagine your mobile battery is very low.
To activate, press the keys *3370# Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.
FOURTH How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?
To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 # A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset.
Write it down and keep it somewhere safe.
When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code.
They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.
You probably won't get your phone back,but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either.
If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends
No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG.Version: 7.5.519 / Virus Database: 269.22.8/1363 - Release Date: 07/04/2008 08:56
No virus found in
6 ANSWERS
ALANSAND'S LAUGH AND RELAX
Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand
6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
AND:
Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand
6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
AND:
Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
TOMMY COOPER ONE LINERS! ! ! !
ALANSAND'S LAUGH AND RELAX
Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand
Are the old ones are the best???
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married .
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was Brilliant.
Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
"Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said "You are."
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it. !
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week..........and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin? "I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said,"Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me aVolkswagen with no driver.
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he wentT'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'BestBefore End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said"No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The blokesaid "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said,"You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember hisname, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put itdown.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising youanything."
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The ElephantMan?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow BatmanForever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand
Are the old ones are the best???
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married .
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was Brilliant.
Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
"Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said "You are."
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it. !
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week..........and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin? "I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said,"Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me aVolkswagen with no driver.
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he wentT'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'BestBefore End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said"No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The blokesaid "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said,"You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember hisname, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put itdown.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising youanything."
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The ElephantMan?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow BatmanForever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
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