ALANSAND'S LAUGH AND RELAX
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A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.
Aug 2, 2008
3 WISHES
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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods
.She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you threewishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed tomention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!
'The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'
.The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.
'So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.
'The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.
'So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mildheart attack.
'Moral of the story:
Women are clever. Don't mess with them
.Attention female readers :
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers :
Please scroll down....................................................The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story :
Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show thatwomen never listen
...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love....
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods
.She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you threewishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed tomention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!
'The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'
.The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.
'So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.
'The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.
'So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mildheart attack.
'Moral of the story:
Women are clever. Don't mess with them
.Attention female readers :
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers :
Please scroll down....................................................The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story :
Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show thatwomen never listen
...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love....
Aug 1, 2008
A PLAY ON WORDS
ALANSAND'S LAUGH AND RELAX
Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand
Someone out there is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)! DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:WOMAN HITLER Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS !!
Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand
Someone out there is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)! DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:WOMAN HITLER Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS !!
THE LOVER
ALANSAND'S LAUGH AND RELAX
Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand !!!
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here'.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.
'Boy - 'I have a football.
'Man - 'That's nice.
'Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?
'Boy - '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.
'Boy - 'I have football boots.
'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?
'The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $1,000.'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'.
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand !!!
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here'.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.
'Boy - 'I have a football.
'Man - 'That's nice.
'Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?
'Boy - '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.
'Boy - 'I have football boots.
'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?
'The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $1,000.'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'.
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
BUTTERCUPS AND GOLFBALLS
ALANSAND'S LAUGH AND RELAX
Don't forget to click on http://www.website.ws/alansand You'll be glad you did !!
BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS
Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . . .POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said,'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!
Then POOF! . . . she was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,'Fred, where are you?' Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,DON'T SWING!!!'
Don't forget to click on http://www.website.ws/alansand You'll be glad you did !!
BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS
Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . . .POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said,'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!
Then POOF! . . . she was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,'Fred, where are you?' Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,DON'T SWING!!!'
SENIOR MOMENT
ALANSAND'S LAUGH AND RELAX
Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand
A stunning senior moment
Apparently a self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones , computers with light-speed processing and more.'
After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows: 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little snot, what are you doing for the next generation?'
The applause was amazing.......
Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand
A stunning senior moment
Apparently a self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones , computers with light-speed processing and more.'
After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows: 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little snot, what are you doing for the next generation?'
The applause was amazing.......
FIRST NIGHT
ALANSAND'S LAUGH AND RELAX
Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand
A girl asks her boy friend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no ideayour father was a pharmacist.'
Don't forget to click on www.website.ws/alansand
A girl asks her boy friend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no ideayour father was a pharmacist.'
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